Being broken...

It's something we all don't like but we all need. So many times I pray for God to mold and shape me, and then when He is breaking me I'm like " why God, this is too hard" but then God pours out His grace upon me and makes me more like Jesus daily. A few days ago God kept showing me all day in my classes that He has a reason for everything. And I was like "that's cool, so why did you show me this today God? What do you have for to learn from it?" but like I didn't get an answer, and then after that I had horrible, very very hard spiritual warfare. Satan trying to use my guilty conscience to torment me, and I kept crying out to God to save me and to show me what I needed to do. But I had no answer, it was the first time in my walk with God that I felt like He was not there and it scared me. I thought I had did spending wrong, I kept going over and over in my head of the past week. Guilting myself for everything and Satan all the more used this to torment me more. But I was not Satan that made me scared, it as feeling like I couldn't feel Gods presence. But I kept reminding myself of scriptures, that God will never leave me nor forsake me. One of my biggest problems when I go through spiritual warfare is I become sick, physically. I become ill. And the other day my friend told me that I was letting my guilt of not feeling like I am good enough to torment me, which led to spiritual warfare. So I started to pray about it, God what am I doing wrong??? And still no answer. I kept crying out knowing that God could hear me. And today it hit, wall I was doing my growing in grace class which God had really put on my heart but Satan was trying to make me feel like I should not do, but making me super sleepy, my flesh being lazy. But then I started it and it was all on contrasting the Old Covenant: law and the New Covenant: Grace. And I was like "this is cool" but then like halfway through it hit me, I heard God again and He said to my heart "your living in the law" and I was super confused? Because I know that I cannot do anything without God, so I prayed and God showed me: who is the one who makes you able to love? Who is the one who forgave you of your sins? Who is the one who gives you a heart for the lost? Who is the one whom loved you first, which is why I love God because He first loves me. Who is the one of puts that peace and joy in your heart? Who is the one who daily gives you the strength to be dilligent? Who is the one who takes away the veil? Who is the one who gives you the love to love your brothers and sisters in Christ? Who is your savior? And I was like "God You are!" and God put it on my heart: then why are you trying to do it? And I realized that I was trying to be loving, I was trying to love God with all my heart and soul, I was trying to be dilligent, I was trying to love my brothers and sisters in Christ, I was trying to love the lost, I was trying to be... Holy, Righteous and Pure. Which is what the law tells us to be. But we cannot do it, if we live by the law we are slowly killing our self. I have been saved by the grace of God through faith in Jesus Christ, it is not of works lest anyone boast by it is a gift from God. God showed me I was trying to live how God wanted me to, and God broke me. He showed me I cannot do t and it literally kills me (makes me ill and sick.) and God showed me that the reason why I am able to live how God wants me to is by His grace. I can't do it, I knew I couldn't but I was still trying and it was not until God broke me and showed me that any good in me is from God. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of lights. God showed me I can't do it, but He can. And when I was Broken He picked my up and fixed me by His amazing mery, grace and love. I felt this huge weight lift off of me, I wanted to dance ad song and praise the Lord! I wanted to drop to my knees and praise God! Truly God is good. And after that God showed me that it is not be doing anything but It is God working in and through me by His grace, making me more like Jesus daily. God Is my Lord and savior and everyday is a wonderful day, because Jesus Christ died for my sins and I have life in Him.